11 July 2017

the best is yet to come...

A long drive to the cottage, paired with sitting in traffic stand-stills in both directions, gives a gal lot of time to think.  Lately, I've been really thinking about my word for this year and what it means to me.  My "Year of 40" list was created thinking of not only adventures that I've always wanted to do, but thinking of things that make me live out "courage".  In creating it, I began thinking of the concept of "going over the hill," and how that was supposed to symbolize that you are at the half way point of your life. What things have I always wanted to do and haven't yet experienced? Can I be more courageous? Can I push myself out of my comfort zone? 

Most likely the one on the list that scares me the most is #5 "Say I Love You to someone".  It's not about the simple words of that statement because obviously words are easy, but it is the action of trusting myself again to allow love in.  Having the courage to distinctly remember how much heartbreak hurts but to stay open anyways.  Courage to allow someone to see the real me may be the hardest of all.  I've been scared to let potential mates inside for fear of either not being enough, or being too much.

I think of courage in way that recognizes that relationships involve putting ourselves on the line and opening up to the most vulnerable complexities of our insides, hoping that the person we are trusting our heart to, holds it as gentle as we do.  For a lot of years I have wondered if I deserved the kind of love that others have.  I've doubted my own capacity for it.  Coming into this fortieth year I finally feel confident in that all who have graced my path of love thus far have been stepping stones.  I have complete faith that my life is meant to be shared with someone and that he is lurking just around the corner.  It is with this new chapter of my life where I have come to love myself more than I ever have.   If you would have asked me a few years ago if I would have imagined that this year would hold such significance for me., I likely would have said no.  I most likely would have anticipated that turning 40 would be hard and lonely feeling.  But the fact that I am looking forward to celebrating this milestone has kind of crept out of the woodwork and surprised me. The last decade has been one of change for me. There have been many goodbyes, changes, and new beginnings.  

Something I read today stated "we hurt, so we can grow" which I find interesting ... and true. The human body is an expert at healing & regenerating and nothing does that more so than our proverbial hearts.  I am no stranger to hurt.  I am ready to grow.  I am thankful for the chance to grow.  Living to celebrate forty turns around the sun isn't something that everyone gets to experience.  It's not lost on me that my father died early - living only 26 years beyond this 40th milestone.  I takes my breath away to think that our time is so limited here on this earth and I am yet again reminded to take chances, to live every moment and to love as big as we possibly can.  

Taking risks isn't easy.  It's hard to leap. Especially when there are others depending on you.  One of my dearest friends is at a crossroads and considering an significant life change to follow a dream.  Deliberately choosing change for your life is probably one of the scariest things to do because you are responsible for it.  It's easy to make a career shift if you've been laid off and the change is necessary.  It's easier to move when you've outgrown your home or it's outgrown you.  But to be in something safe and secure and choose yourself above everything else isn't easy.  And as the quotes says, it could very well not work out but my gosh if it does, it truly could be the best and most rewarding adventure ever.  I choose to believe that that which we go after with our whole hearts, is truly how we will grow. 

And we can apply this to most things in our lives - relationships, location, career.  There are no guarantees but we will definitely never succeed if we don't try.  "That which we manifest is before us," as Enzo says in The Art of Racing in the Rain.  "There is no dishonour in losing.  There is only dishonour in not racing because you are afraid to lose." We cannot let fear stop up.  We cannot let the possibility of losing keep us from trying because we will certainly never win if we never try. So I shared this quote with her today in hopes that she will always know that I am there behind her in support of the "leaps" in life.  The two of us share the words "be brave" inked on our skin and I know deep down in my heart that her pursuit of this new path will be successful.  Not only because it will bring her not only monetary reward, but because of the self-accomplishment, pride and growth that is sure to happen.  The best parts are in the journey through. If in the end it doesn't work, there will be a new path.  But the moments that she lived her dream will be the best adventure ever.  

For myself, I am taking this quote to heart in that I feel as though I have finally come to the point that my heart feels ready to welcome love again.  I am ready for that next adventure. I can take the lessons that I learned from my relationship with JC and appreciate that I now know to always trust my own instinct (a post for another day!). I can finally see someone in front of me that I can imagine sharing life with.  I can imagine late night whispered conversations and quiet Sunday afternoons.  I don't know yet what will be or what these feelings mean but all that matters is that I finally feel at peace in my heart and looking forward.  Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever..... xo 

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